One of the strangest experiences of my life was attending a Sci-Fi convention with her on a lark where we learned she is on a Franklin Mint plate!! I planned everything exactly the way he liked and it went down just like I thought it would. And I got into the Beatles at a VERY young age I used to listen to cassette tapes before I fell asleep, but got bored with the same-old Sesame Street and Little Mermaid, so I asked them for something new. Shes pulling away because hes hypercritical of her AND their daughter. If your husband wants a good relationship with his daughter he must first quit disparaging her and her interests and he must quit rolling his eyes. I see it as a dad getting short changed and mom monopolizing time with daughter. I wanted to read 800 crappy Star Wars novels? No matter what state the person is in, he or she may face criminal prosecution of drunk driving when behind the wheel with a confirmed blood alcohol content of 0.08 percent or higher as the national limit. I dont care that much about baseball, but my dad is a fanatic so I played catch with him in the backyard and had fun because we were spending time together. No matter how much mom encourages their relationship, the child is hearing Dad thinks Im stupid.. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_18',131,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[120,600],'therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2','ezslot_19',131,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-mobile-leaderboard-2-0_1');.mobile-leaderboard-2-multi-131{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:15px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:15px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:600px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}However, when conflict arises between a parent and child, it can be even more difficult to resolve. He is also very critical of both of US But, of course, that would require HIM to take an interest in something his daughter likes in order to find that common ground. It seems way more acceptable to be a nut for sports but if you watch Buffy? My eldest daughter left for university five years ago and has never come home, though I do chat with her by phone. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), . Keeping your cool under stress, responding as calmly as you can, and walking away when you find yourself unable to keep calm are completely within your power and help you claim the power in your home. 6napkinburger Im not saying that to excuse the dads behavior if hes being mean, but if the LW truly wants to do the best thing for her daughter, she needs to do something that 1) Doesnt encourage her daughter to dislike her dad and 2) Actually makes him stop being mean, because what shes doing now clearly isnt working. And its in your daughters interest to have a strong relationship with her dad. Awesome post, Wendy The whole time reading the letter I was feeling a bit sorry for the dad, but mostly in the sense of Wow, sucks for him that hes such a big fat pain in the ass and no one likes him. Then I read your response and realized even if he is a pain in the ass, Mom has lots to work on too. After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. How do I say this to her without hurting her feelings? People who are closed-off in this way often become so as a result of a previous emotional trauma or traumas. He came home four hours later. This mother needs to chill out a bit. I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. I hope that you can in the process of all this also try to strengthen your marriage, because when your daughter gets new interests in two years or doesnt want to hang out with her parents or even when she moves out of the house, your husband is going to be the one who youre left with. These were followed up by hours and hours of This Old House, which we were required to sit through for family time but we werent allowed to speak at all during the show, lest my father miss something. 1. As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. Driving a car in dreams can reveal thoughts and feelings about who or what is controlling your life, how in or out of control you feel, and how clear you are about your goals or destination in life. . Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? But that he made the effort to give me my interests. Thanks temp! bittergaymark We still dont have a great relationship, mostly because he is an authoritarian asshole in a lot of other ways, but if he wasnt such a bully and tried to meet my sister and I halfway, we probably wouldnt hate him as much as we do. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. I second this. In that instance, it is terrible timing and the dad should have listened to Indie when he came in in an emergency and the dad should have helped then and done the latin lesson later, but if that was a normal day home from scouting, then good for dad, because indie totally used that information later in life, even though it was annoying (and seemingly aloof) of his dad to be so demanding. I cant concentrate, I get bored, shit distracts me, I have to deal with the kids/dogs/etc and then people bitch Im not there to play, then I play badly as Im not paying attention.. so I try to get out of it then get all snitty reactions since Im not joining in having fun. (directed at the view in general, not you Fabelle) Am I not a read mid-twentysomething because I like them? Thats probably what her daughter is reacting to, and she probably sees her father as a bully. I was hoping to be able to tell her that she has a grandbaby coming, but its still too early to know. Regardless of your beliefs, from the facts laid out, he is not an involved father. I mean freak out and force your kid to read something if they cant, not if you dont like that they choose to read Harry Potter in their free time. If the later is the case, I would seriously consider whether or not husband wants to change and work on himself and if not, I would maybe get out. We have a 1-year-old daughter together. Courts take action when substance use, in the form of alcohol and illicit drugs, and/or misuse of prescription drugs actually hinders a parent's ability to care for their children or when the parent poses a danger to the children's well-being. Try to find something that they can both enjoy, maybe small doses of togetherness at first. ! He rolls his eyes and tries to get them to stop talking about stuff that theyre interested in. Copyright 2023 The Relationship Notes.Privacy Policy . Please dont suggest counseling communication is not an issue, as we have talked about these problems over and over. Finally, try to create opportunities for one-on-one time between your husband and daughter. Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. My mother attended maybe a handful of my softball games in the 10 years I played competitively. Well, it made me sad that he didnt want to hear all about The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks when I read that. Hmm, Im getting a different vibe from this letter than Wendy is? And I really do think he has been 100%, maybe even 110% put on the back burner. Sometimes it can be a simple matter of communication, or a lack thereof. One of these people is an adult and one of these people is twelve. At 12, anything my dad would listen to I really had an interest in because I never heard songs like that. Hey, that kind of worked for me. lets_be_honest Theres something to be said for respecting other peoples interests and personalities. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. I know I did. Its great because its competitive but also forces cooperation (you need to trade for resources to gain points in the game). Her free spirit and spontaneity. July 3, 2013, 1:06 am, Honestly, no matter WHAT the mom was a fan of my response would have been the same. Your email address will not be published. Then stress that it's not too late to re-engage with his with family, the solution lies with him. Ive definitely think Ive learned more from my daughter than shes learned from me. I intervene and quieten things down when I can, but it's not easy and I am at the point of wondering whether it's all worth the effort. Wendy, I too got the us against him mentality from this LW. I was afraid the BS stood for something else. He is your best friend, your teammate and your partner. If he constantly puts her down she will not like him and she will not respect him because she knows that he has no respect for her. Its her birthday today So Im taking her out for a steak dinner and then were going to watch fireworks (which she has decided the city has put on for her). So insightful! lets_be_honest Look, Im sorry, but your hand here is rather plainly seen. The variables didnt add up, but you were determined to hang in there and solve the situation by wits and endurance. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. I dont know where that gene comes from I know I dont have it. A perfect starting point would be just a general interest activity, like board games or going to get ice cream. I think this is what the LW needs to communicate to her husband. July 2, 2013, 12:17 pm. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Her daughter should stop liking it just because her mother likes it. So, tell your husband to make an effort with her rather than making her feel like shit about her choices. It may be up to this mom to protect her daughter, especially if the fights she describes keep getting worse. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. Seriously though, Joss Whedon writes amazing TV his shows are some of the best the medium has to offer. I wish you hadnt been so dismissive of counseling or parenting sessions (or PAIRS workshops, they are designed for couples but work great for family relationships as well!!) He did research and found these beautiful Gotz dolls for my sister and I. But what I really remember is my dad listening to me tell him about whatever I was interested in. July 2, 2013, 10:32 am. Right, but it didnt seem, to me, like Jennifer was allowing for that distinction. It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. He just can't grasp the cost of a wedding. He still clips those articles, and even though he and I are a ways apart politically, I can always trust them to have something well-reasoned and thoughtful to say. And he doesnt have to hide that. Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. For example, I taught my theatre kids The Crucible this year. My parents eventually got divorced, and I actually think without that, I might not have such a good relationship with my father (who I am much more like as an adult than my mother) or the family on his side, because of how my mom made it us against him when I was little. July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. So, here is the thing. LW, I think encouraging your daughter to spend time with her dad is so important. My interests are pretty close to hers (and yours!) What music you like or books you read is a matter of personal preference, and really its rude to mock people for their personal taste just because it doesnt align with yours unless theres racism or violence or something. As an only child, I didnt have to share my parents, and I just happened to love the things my dad loved. What kind of history and science is your husband into? His dad wasnt a particularly avid fisherman, he just thought it would be a good father-son activity. One activity we all enjoyed!!!! Another possibility is that her husband doesnt understand how to connect with his daughter on an emotional level. If you have a question for me about relationships, addiction, dating, friendship, depression, sex, consent, what I'm watching, what I'm reading, Black Agate, or anything at all, use the contact form below or email me at askerin@ravishly.com. A parent who can laugh at themselves when they mess up, and teaches the kid to laugh at themselves and to see the humor without feeling attached is key. I would call that well-rounded. Theres no excuse for that. He needs to learn to be a bit more respectful of his daughters choices and to compromise which would be modeling good behavior for his child to learn. Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. Additionally, she may worry that if you stay together, shell have to deal with the same unhappy marriage later on in her own life. By myself, though. What To Do When My Husband Is Driving My Daughter Away? it seems to . doesnt mean that the Dad is 100% correct in ramming his opinions down his daughters throat. If he had been the one to write to me, Id be giving him an earful, believe me), but it only means you need to step up and be MORE parental, which includes putting your daughters interests first. This jealousy can manifest in destructive behavior, such as belittling his wife or trying to undermine her relationships with others. If he can target things toward what she might like, then shell probably be more receptive. My dad had a This Old House sweatshirt even! Choose a moment when he seems relaxed and talk with him about your worries. But I also honestly think that the husband/dad might not be such a jerk face if he wasnt 100% put on the back burner. I dont care if he thinks her shows are boring his wife and daughter deserve respect. Finally, try to model the behavior you want to see from your husband and daughter. July 3, 2013, 3:53 am, Music or even musical pop icons was, curiously, NEVER mentioned specifically by the LW. Great suggestion! Encourage her to have fun with him. But I see why he would so Im giving him the benefit of the doubt. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that WE end up with ridiculous escalating fights.. Is there crap out there? Ha! I would have been crushed if he rolled his eyes when I was excitedly talking about something. We were so thrilled. Are any of these familiar to you? Ostensibly through her mother. (even though his tone and demeanor sound indefensively harsh, cruel and mean.). She wasnt responding to the father though. The comments seem to be about split on this issue. Yeah, the letter makes me really concerned for their marriage. If your H has strong BPD traits, his child-like behavior is easy to explain because his emotional development likely is frozen at about age four. What if your partner rolled his eyes and engaged in ever escalating arguments would you keep pushing them together!?! FIONA SAYS: It's never too late to change patterns so long as he's willing. Theres no reason why reading books and an interest in musicals and playing music make someone uninformed, one persons preference for geography over literature doesnt make them more informed than the other one! Rather than the lover-partner-wife-prized companion to be loved and cherished and lavished with attention slot. Overly forgiving and intensely devoted partners do not help their partners by taking their patterns personally and destroying their own confidence when they cannot control the outcome. A parent should NEVER make fun of their child. , so i guess it cuts both ways. Im sure he didnt really care about the Anne of Green Gables books or obscure Star Wars characters. Awesome show full of information. I think hes going a little too far if hes making disparaging comments about her personality, but I absolutely hate baseball, and if I married a guy who loved it and we had a son who was obsessed, I know that Id be rolling my eyes at them. He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children. How so? So if you lend your car to your best friend, your sister or even your second cousin, your insurance is most often the insurance that will pay in the event of an accident. However, if you do decide to stay together, know that its possible to overcome this obstacle and build a strong family bond. This is the one person in the entire world who truly has your back. So, based on my experience, its not helpful to your daughter to make it you against him. I experienced an adolescence where most of my interests were labeled garbage and where I was told my lack of interest in playing sports was a character flaw that would doom me to failure as an adult. I feel like this could have been written by my mom, to an extent. I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. My inner fan girl is all riled up now =). Its a question many mothers ask themselves: why is my husband driving my daughter away? At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? The How I Met Your Father star welcomed her son, Luca, with ex-husband Mike Comrie in 2012. (And those are two things I didnt care for as a kid that I really like now.) I love all things Hitchcock now, and not because she brainwashed me if she had her way, Id also love The Three Stooges and The Twilight Zone, and Im not nearly as crazy about those.
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